The Grand Old Party of the Lone Star State has released its 2010 platform, and the masses are in awe of its ability to pack so much timeless wisdom into absurd little aphorisms. It is sort of like Lewis Caroll’s Through the Looking Glass, except that it’s substantially shorter and less entertaining and its production probably involved higher concentrations of hallucinogenic substances. A leading party official described it as “a lot of fun to write — sort of like when you work really hard to dislodge a giant ball of phlegm from your throat. At first you wonder if all the drama is unnecessary, but then you’re glad to get it out.” He then added, “but I don’t meant to imply that this copy of the document has any phlegm on it.”
One Genuine Conservative Republican (GCR) also said of the document, “it’s even more fun to read with a little help from Mary Jane.”
The platform contains most of the standard talking points of modern American conservatism, but it also includes some super special bonus content, guaranteed to raise your Genuine Conservative Republican Rating by at least 37 points. To save you the time of perusing the document yourself, I will outline that bonus content here, using direct quotations from the platform. The preamble reminds us that “Throughout the world people dare to dream of freedom.” You, the reader, can be one of those dreamers. You can seek the “embodiment of the Conservative Dream in America.” Where will you find it? In Texas. Our Texas. Your Texas.
One of the first planks in the platform includes a firm opposition to “statistical sampling adjustments in the ‘mid-decade’ census.” You see, those Ivy League statisticians keep trying to tell us that their fancy numbers require some kind of fancy math so they can be used to describe the population. But Genuine Conservative Republicans know that math is for school, not for the real world. The taxpayers spend good money to hire statisticians to work for the Census Bureau! Why should those statisticians be allowed to use methodology that Real Americans don’t understand? In fact, let’s dump the statisticians altogether. Just let Joe The Plumber guess the population. He’s got pretty good intuition: I know because I saw his conservative values.
The Texas Republican platform also includes a plank explicitly opposing any substitution of US law with “Sharia Law.” This is extremely important. Last year, one of those terroristy types managed to get into the US with almost two gallons of law. He was trying to sneak it into the government.
GCRs also believe that the consumption of “natural, unprocessed foods,” most notably “raw milk,” should be “encouraged.” If any reader of this post is unaware of the horrors that pasteurization visits on our society, just think of it as genocide — genocide committed against gazillions of happy, friendly bacteria — bacteria with happy, friendly, loving families — bacteria who would otherwise be able to carry out God’s plan of keeping the human population in check.
Additionally, as an act of performance art lamenting all the home foreclosures associated with the recession, GCRs “urge Congress to evict the United Nations from the United States.” The UN has been squatting here for too long! It continues to only give us veto power over everything it does, regardless of whether we pay our dues. This kind of freeloading must stop now.
Many conservatives wish the Supreme Court would stop separating church and state, but Texas conservatives take this principle one or two steps farther. They “urge Congress to withhold Supreme Court jurisdiction in cases involving abortion, religious freedom, and the Bill of Rights.” Sure, the court has a loud reactionary voice already, but it still enforces the Bad Amendments* once in a while. Everything would be so much easier if we could just overturn Marbury v. Madison** and let Chuck Norris “interpret” the Constitution instead.
Have you ever wondered if Barack Obama was secretly born in Kenya or New Hampshire or some other non-American country? Well, now you have. The Texas Republican platform demands a law requiring all presidential candidates (yes, even Ron Paul) to present a birth certificate. You see, if we stop beating this dead horse, it might turn into a zombie horse and eat us.
I must assure you that I only read the Republican platform for the articles — I mean, the non-sexual planks. But I can’t help but get a bit excited when I accidentally bump into some hot homo action. Same-sex marriage is already illegal in Texas, but the Party wants to go hardcore and “make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple.” Ever watch Law and Order: Criminal Intent? Picture that, but with ten times more homosexuality! In fact, GCRs also “oppose the legalization of sodomy.” In order to re-criminalize blowjobs† and buttsex, we’d either have to organize a federal constitutional amendment, or get the supreme court to overturn Lawrence v. Texas. Neither of those sound particularly easy, so the obvious alternative is for Congress to “exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from [sic] cases involving sodomy††.” That way, they can keep all the sodomy to themselves. The article of the Constitution in question, by the way, is Article III, Section I: “The judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish, except when such cases may arise, which involve Sex, of the oral or anal variety, these cases instead being directed, to the judicial Power, of one Benjamin Franklin, Esq., who shall personally adjudicate them.”
Speaking of homosexuality, the Texas Republican platform also includes a section just for kids. The most important plank in this section demands that “Students should be led daily in the Pledge of Allegiance, the Texas Pledge, the National Anthem, and be taught flag etiquette and patriotic songs to ensure that the loyal and patriotic spirit of Texan and American heritage is preserved.” My only complaint is that they seem to have forgotten the Chant of Fidelity to the Supreme Leader. Perhaps that falls under “patriotic songs.”
Another plank about education reads, in its entirety, “Students should master basic, minimum skills before advancing.” If you don’t know what those skills are, you probably never mastered them.
GCRs also “support school subjects with emphasis on Judeo-Christian principles (including the Ten Commandments).” Quick clarification: the “Judeo-” is only there for show.
Throughout the platform, scattered planks aim to “trim the fat,” so to speak, eliminating unnecessary government programs and policies and things. We all know that the government does a lot of things, and that it probably shouldn’t do so many things, or else some of those things might turn out to be bad things. Here is a list of some of those bad things the Texas Republican Party wants to eliminate:
- “The Department of Education”
- “The Department of Energy”
- “The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child”‡
- “The Endangered Species Act”
- “The Sixteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution”
- “The Minimum Wage Law”
You know, nothing important.
Later, the topic turns to the Best Amendment‡‡, which protects the right to secretly bear arms. Texas Republicans “reject any monitoring of gun ownership.” If the government knows you have a gun, they might actually try to send you to prison when they find your bullets lodged in somebody’s head. And that just takes the fun out of it.
Sometimes I wonder what it means to be a Real American — and then I realize that my wavering faith is tantamount to sedition. As the Texas Republican Party so eloquently puts it, “Anyone who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t American at all. We have room but for one flag, the American Flag. We have room for but one language here and that is the English language.” After all, Republicans are experts at the English language. When we finally repeal all “laws requiring hospitals to give non-emergency care to illegal’s,” we will be prepared to ask some profound and challenging questions about what it means to make an adjective possessive.
GCRs do value at least one foreign country. According to the Republican Party of Texas, our foreign policy “is based on God’s biblical promise to bless those who bless Israel and curse those who curse Israel.” In short, international relations are a lot simpler than the liberal media will have you believe.
Finally, there are two additional super special bonus planks in the Texas Republican platform which speak for themselves, requiring absolutely no clarification whatsoever:
- “We support the Boy Scouts of America and reject any attempt to undermine or fundamentally change the ideals of the organization.”
- “As America is a nation under God founded on Judeo-Christian principles, we affirm the constitutional right of all individuals to worship in the religion of their choice.”
If you respect these essential American values, you can be a Genuine Conservative Republican, too!
* All except the 2nd. And possibly the 18th.
** More like Marbury v. BADison. That’s right, I said it.
†† Cases involving sodomy: I know them when I see them.
‡ It’s especially scary because it gives rights to so-called “children” who aren’t even Americans!
‡‡ You know what it is.
*** Folks, if your partner starts tearing at your fabric, it’s time to end the relationship.