Posts Tagged ‘republican’

Houston, We Have a Platform

June 23, 2010

The Grand Old Party of the Lone Star State has released its 2010 platform, and the masses are in awe of its ability to pack so much timeless wisdom into absurd little aphorisms. It is sort of like Lewis Caroll’s Through the Looking Glass, except that it’s substantially shorter and less entertaining and its production probably involved higher concentrations of hallucinogenic substances. A leading party official described it as “a lot of fun to write — sort of like when you work really hard to dislodge a giant ball of phlegm from your throat. At first you wonder if all the drama is unnecessary, but then you’re glad to get it out.” He then added, “but I don’t meant to imply that this copy of the document has any phlegm on it.”

One Genuine Conservative Republican (GCR) also said of the document, “it’s even more fun to read with a little help from Mary Jane.”

The platform contains most of the standard talking points of modern American conservatism, but it also includes some super special bonus content, guaranteed to raise your Genuine Conservative Republican Rating by at least 37 points. To save you the time of perusing the document yourself, I will outline that bonus content here, using direct quotations from the platform. The preamble reminds us that “Throughout the world people dare to dream of freedom.” You, the reader, can be one of those dreamers. You can seek the “embodiment of the Conservative Dream in America.” Where will you find it? In Texas. Our Texas. Your Texas. (more…)